But when the crush is making you miserable – whether you feel like you can never match up or you’re having sexual feelings that you don’t understand and know will never be acted upon – that’s a problem. There’s a chance the subject of your man-crush will get a similar buzz being an inspirational figure to you, that they will get a kick out of having some influence it could even lead to a mentor-style relationship. Hero worship doesn’t always have to be one-sided and pathetic. When we pick the right guy to crush on, we may want to emulate their success, be it socially, romantically or professionally. While comparison culture is primed with pitfalls, man-crushes of this nature can actually be useful – they can be aspirational, can drive us forward.
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“Maybe, because of the taboos around closeness between men,” says Barker, “he's mistaking close friendship feelings for sexual or romantic feelings, because there just isn't much of a script for intimate relationships between male friends."
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When we really care about someone who’s always been there for us, there can be a feeling of closeness and it’s only natural you might want to be even closer, but if you still can’t quite imagine yourselves having sex with them, it may just be an emotional attachment. Perhaps he scores more sexual partners than you or is super confident. His toned body came to him effortlessly, maybe, while you’re still terrified of leg day. Perhaps your mate has physical attributes or character traits you feel you lack in yourself. 'We've been taught to assume the two things go together' Among them: you may not be “exclusively heterosexual”, you may just be attracted to some men, or you may be attracted to certain attributes that your best friend shares with some women, such as femininity. “We've learnt people are either attracted to men or to women, when actually for some people it's more about attraction towards certain kinds of bodies or certain kinds of masculinity or femininity, regardless of the gender of the person – and, of course, gender is also not a binary,” says Barker, who thinks there are many potential explanations for this attraction. We’re taught people are either gay or straight, that sexuality is a fixed aspect that stays the same over the course of our lives when actually it’s fluid and changes over time.
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You may not be 'exclusively heterosexual', you may just be attracted to certain men or you may be attracted to attributes that your best friend shares with some women, such as femininityĪuthor and psychologist Meg-John Barker, who just published Gender: A Graphic Guide, with a follow-up on sexuality due in 2020, reckons men find this difficult because everything we’ve learned about sexual orientation is wrong.